Abuse in Marriage as Biblical Grounds for Divorce
Abuse in Marriage
Although there
are very few examples of abuse within a marriage context in the Bible, I
believe God’s heart is for the oppressed and broken-hearted. His character is
consistent from the Old Covenant into the New. It has been taught by the Church
that only Adultery and Abandonment are the only grounds for Biblical Divorce. I
respectfully disagree on this premise.
In this blog, I
will challenge this idea with a variety of scriptural proofs and lines of logic.
The human heart is a cesspool of wickedness. It will find loopholes to destroy
someone’s life apart from Adultery and Abandonment? Sadly, with this line of
thinking, the only thing the Victim Spouse can do is separate from their
perpetrator. The following examples below are not divorce-able offenses
according to Christian tradition (This is not an exhaustive list).
·
A
drug addicted spouse encouraging their children into drug use.
·
Misuse
of funds (gambling) and withholding money from spouse
·
Owing
money to dangerous 3rd parties who target the family in order to get
to the Abusive Spouse. Ruining credit information of the Victim Spouse (Eg: Opening
up credit cards in their name).
·
The
Abusive Spouse recording a minor performing sexual acts on themselves.
·
The Abusive Spouse
attempting to commit murder or using a 3rd party to complete the
action.
·
The Abusive Spouse can
condition the children against the Victim Spouse.
·
Spiritual abuse in
the form of preventing the Victim Spouse from attending Church. This includes,
but not limited to damaging tires, hiding keys, taking the battery out of the
car, etc.
·
Hurting
and killing family pets.
·
The
Abusive Spouse can influence their children into sexual deviancy (Eg: switching
genders).
****This next
section will focus on Biblical Examples where Abuse is not tolerated and divorce
is used as a last resort when all resources have been exhausted****
Example
1-David and Saul-1 Samuel
NOTE: Nowhere
in scripture has God commanded David to “endure” Saul’s abuse for a season. Obviously,
David and Saul were not married, but if God was not ok with Saul’s treatment of
David, why would He be ok with this in the most intimate union of all mankind?
Example
2-Nabal and Abigail-1 Samuel 25
NOTE: Nabal
placed Abigail and his whole household in danger. Out of anger, David could
have killed everyone. Many innocent bystanders would have been loss. Nabal failed
to provide safety for his family, his spiritual leadership was questionable,
selfish, and unwise. He brought discouragement and “words of death” to Abigail,
which certainly hurt her spiritual walk. Also, it appears that there was no
intercessor to confront Nabal for his toxic behavior. We are not sure how long
Abigail was married or why she married Nabal to begin with. Nevertheless, it
shows that Abigail strived to do the right thing that honored God even though
if it was contrary to her husband’s beliefs. Nabal shortly died and was rescued
by David. Today, there are many Nabals and Abigails. God’s heart is still for
the Abigails. He sends them a “David” to the rescue them. That can come in the
form of a faithful church friend, elder, family member, or organization. Do not
do this journey alone. Find support. If the Abusive Spouse continuously places
the Victim Spouse and child’s life in danger, it is the right of the Victim Spouse
to break away from this dangerous union. Protect yourself and your children.
Example
3-Abram, Sarai, and Hagar-Genesis 16 & 21
NOTE: When
Abram impregnated Hagar, Hagar started to antagonize Sarai. This led to Sarai becoming
very abusive towards Hagar. This possibly escalated to physical abuse. Hagar
then ran away with no plan in mind. The Angel of the Lord (Jesus) then finds
her and tells her to return home in submission for several reasons. First, although
Sarai is guilty for being abusive, Hagar stirred up bitterness within Sarai.
The Angel of the Lord (Jesus) reminded Hagar that He is “The God who Sees.” He
is not blind to her tears, hurt, and pain. Second, Hagar was pregnant. She had
limited resources and a long way to travel back to Egypt. She would have died
due to the intense climate conditions, malnourishment, and potential road
bandits. God wanted her to leave, but at His timing, when she would benefit the
most out of this difficult decision. Third, if Hagar returned, God would bless
her child, Ishmael and who would later be part of a great nation. Hagar
returned back to Abram’s household.
In Genesis 21,
contention started to build between Ishmael and Isaac. It appeared that Ishmael
wanted to usurp Isaac’s position as “The Chosen One.” Sarah noticed this
immediately and told Abraham to send Hagar and Ishmael away. He inquired with
God who gave him the “ok” to send Hagar away. Abraham hesitantly agreed. He sent
both of them away with resources. During Hagar’s second journey into the
wilderness, Ishmael started to get thirsty due to the intense heat. Hagar was distressed
and the Angel of the Lord (Jesus) came to her aid again. The Angel pointed her
to the well and reaffirmed his promise to her- Ishmael becoming a great nation.
They both made it to Egypt safely. Notice that there was no judgment on either
Hagar or Abraham. God said it was ok to end the marriage. In the long-term,
this relationship dynamic was going to cause spiritual hardship for all parties
possibly death between the two boys. This divorce was best for everyone.
Abraham failed to provided safety and spiritual leadership to ease the tension
between both women; he allowed the situation to progressively get worst. Now
this is not saying that if children do not get along, it is ok to divorce. Back
then, a half sibling can potentially kill the biological child and overthrow
the whole household to obtain power. The primary idea is that if a household
becomes a constant danger, the Victim Spouse needs to leave. No one should wait
to get killed.
Example
4-Israel’s Intermarriage with Pagan Nations-Ezra 9-10; Nehemiah 13
In Ezra 9-10,
we see that the tribes of Israel married the pagan nations. These pagan nations
were hostile towards Yahweh. They caused the Jews to stumble into
idolatry. Although this was forbidden by
Jewish law, there were some exceptions (See Exodus 34:15-16, Deuteronomy 7:3-4,
Malachi 2:11, and 2 Corinthians 6:14). Marriage was not an issue of ethnicity,
but of religion. A Gentile who was willing to surrender their pagan beliefs
were accepted into the Jewish assembly (See Deuteronomy 21:10-14, 23:1-8, Ruth
1:6-7). Because the Pagan nations were going to actively hurt the spiritual
walk of the Jews, Ezra called for all Jews to put away their pagan families.
Similarly, imagine the Abusive Spouse tampering with the victim spouse’s car
just because they want to go to Church. This may include: taking the air out of
the tires, removing the battery, hiding the car keys, “planning arguments”
before Church, etc. It is not right that the Victim Spouse has to endure such
behavior on a long-term basis.
Example
5 Splitting the Marital Body: Matthew 19:6, Mark 10:9
Matthew 19:6 English Standard Version 6 So they are
no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not
man separate.”
Mark 10:9 English Standard Version 9 What therefore
God has joined together, let not man separate.
NOTE: When the Abusive Spouse causes harm to the
Victim Spouse, they are metaphorically tearing away the union that God has
joined together. Their intentions are to separate and fracture the spiritual
body. Why would we let the perpetrator continue to cause such a harmful separation?
They view their partner not as a lover, but as an obstacle to be overcomed. Destructive
behavior is a sign that they want to be freed from the marital union. Why should
the Victim Spouse remain in a dangerous and unhealthy situation?
Example
6 Servants/Slaves: Exodus 21:26-27
English
Standard Version 26 “When a man strikes the eye of his slave, male or female,
and destroys it, he shall let the slave go free because of his eye. 27 If he
knocks out the tooth of his slave, male or female, he shall let the slave go
free because of his tooth.
NOTE: This is
not a license to hit somebody as long as you inflict minor damage or as long as
the eye and tooth are not targeted. For example, an Abusive Spouse would justify
punching the kidneys, breaking arms, and/or kicking the spine of their spouse.
This is a figurative expression (See Exodus 21:23-25; Leviticus 24:19-20). In
Exodus 21:20-21, skeptics tend to use this passage against Christianity.
However, we need to read this passage as an Old Covenant Jew, and not as a 21st
century American. Compare this to the other nations at that time, Israel valued
the welfare of its people (See Deuteronomy 4:8).When a servant sold themselves to
a homeowner, the homeowner was responsible for that servant’s livelihood,
similar to a child. Just like children, servants can be rebellious and difficult
to manage. Nevertheless, the homeowner had to respect the boundaries that were laid
out in scripture. If a servant was
severely injured, the homeowner had to release the servant. Now consider the
wife, she has a higher status than the typical house servant, why would it be wrong
to abuse the house servant, but be ok to abuse the free woman? Why would the house
servant be allowed to be released, but not the free woman?
Example
7-The Failed Provider: Exodus 21:10-11; 1 Timothy 5:8
Exodus 21:10-11
If he takes another wife to himself, he shall not diminish her food, her
clothing, or her marital rights. 11 And if he does not do these three things
for her, she shall go out for nothing, without payment of money.
1 Timothy 5:8 8
But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of
his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
NOTE: A lack of
provision was a divorce-able
Example
8-The Prisoner of War: Deuteronomy 21:10-14
Deuteronomy
21:10-14 English Standard Version 10 “When you go out to war against your
enemies, and the Lord your God gives them into your hand and you take them
captive, 11 and you see among the captives a beautiful woman, and you desire to
take her to be your wife, 12 and you bring her home to your house, she shall
shave her head and pare her nails. 13 And she shall take off the clothes in
which she was captured and shall remain in your house and lament her father and
her mother a full month. After that you may go in to her and be her husband,
and she shall be your wife. 14 But if you no longer delight in her, you shall
let her go where she wants. But you shall not sell her for money, nor shall you
treat her as a slave, since you have humiliated her.
NOTE: It’s
crazy to think that if a man no longer wants to be married to his foreign wife,
he could easily divorce her. How can a POW in the Old Covenant have more rights/freedoms
than a 21st century spouse in the New Covenant?
Example
9-Treatment of the Mother: Exodus 21:15, 17
Exodus 21:15,
17 English Standard Version 15 “Whoever strikes his father or his mother shall
be put to death. 17 “Whoever curses his father or his mother shall be put to
death.
NOTE: If the
Son couldn’t curse or hit his mother without the death penalty, why would it be
ok to mistreat his wife? There had to be consequences.
Example
10- False Accusation of the Wife: Deuteronomy 22:13-19
Deuteronomy
22:13-19 English Standard Version 13 “If any man takes a wife and goes in to
her and then hates her 14 and accuses her of misconduct and brings a bad name
upon her, saying, ‘I took this woman, and when I came near her, I did not find
in her evidence of virginity,’ 15 then the father of the young woman and her
mother shall take and bring out the evidence of her virginity to the elders of
the city in the gate. 16 And the father of the young woman shall say to the
elders, ‘I gave my daughter to this man to marry, and he hates her; 17 and
behold, he has accused her of misconduct, saying, “I did not find in your daughter
evidence of virginity.” And yet this is the evidence of my daughter's
virginity.’ And they shall spread the cloak before the elders of the city. 18
Then the elders of that city shall take the man and whip him, 19 and they shall
fine him a hundred shekels of silver and give them to the father of the young
woman, because he has brought a bad name upon a virgin of Israel. And she shall
be his wife. He may not divorce her all his days.
NOTE: Just the
fact that a husband made a false accusation (a form of emotional/verbal abuse) towards
his wife was enough to get him beaten up at the Elders’ gates. What would happen
if the husband talked down to her or put his hands on her? Imagine if the
Elders and Deacons would still implement this method today, we would probably
have less domestic violence in the household. Although the husband couldn’t divorce
her, she can still divorce him and move back in with her parents.
Example
11-No Association with Apostasy: 1 Corinthians 5:11-12; Ephesians 5:3-7; 2 Timothy 3:1-5.
1 Corinthians 5:11-12 English Standard Version 11
But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who
bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is
an idolater, reviler(abuser) , drunkard, or swindler—not even to eat with such
a one. 12 For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge?
Ephesians 5:3-7 English Standard Version 3 But
sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among
you, as is proper among saints. 4 Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk
nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be
thanksgiving. 5 For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually
immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no
inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. 6 Let no one deceive you with
empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons
of disobedience. 7 Therefore do not become partners with them
2 Timothy 3:1-5 English Standard Version 3 But
understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. 2
For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive,
disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 heartless, unappeasable,
slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, 4 treacherous,
reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5
having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such
people
NOTE: In reality, we have all been guilty of all
these sins. However, there is a difference in showing genuine remorse and brokenness
over our sin versus having a flippant, passive attitude towards it. If God calls the Church to not associate with
a False Christian, why would God be ok with someone being with them in the most
intimate union? If their destructive behavior has reached public scrutiny, and
the Church wants nothing to do with them (discipline, excommunication, and ostracism),
than why do we feel it is right to tell the Victim Spouse to stay captive? Now
there is a difference between a non-believer who is indifferent and passive
against Christianity and a non-believer who is hostile and actively trying to destroy
Christianity. For the indifferent/passive non-believer, we need to be at peace
with them and honor our marriage covenant as long as there is no destructive pattern
of abuse present. But for the hostile/active non-believer, we should not even
entertain the idea of trying to force a marriage with them, unless there is a genuine
repentance to change.
Example 12-Divorce
and Adultery: Matthew 5:31-32; Matthew
19:9
Matthew 5:31-32 English Standard
Version 31 “It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a
certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I say to you that everyone who divorces his
wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and
whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
Matthew 19:9 English Standard
Version 9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual
immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”
NOTE: This
is a quote from Deuteronomy 24:1-4. A few things to consider. This passage was never intended to be a
general lesson on divorce or a list of reasons to get a Biblical Divorce. Keep
in mind that Jesus’ direct audience was the Pharisees (the 1st
Century abusive men and their wives who were the abusive victims). The Pharisees were divorcing their wives just to hook-up
with new partners. This is why we see passages about lust (Matthew 5:27-30)
before divorce; they were engaging in treacherous divorce, which was invalid.
They were following the letter of the law to look good, but violating the
spirit of the law. It is even possible that the Pharisees were even encouraging
their new partners to leave their husbands as well. This would have left their
divorced wives to fend for themselves. Divorced women would either go back him
to elderly parents, sell themselves to slavery or fall into prostitution.
Second, observe
that Matthew 5:31-32 doesn’t mention anything about the husband who initiates
the divorce. It is just talks about the divorced wife and the new husband as
adulterers. There is no mention of the first husband’s status on remarrying
after divorce. It doesn’t make sense Jesus would ignore the first husband’s new
marital status. In Matthew 19:9, we get further clarity into this, which
encourages us not to isolate this passage from the rest of scripture.
Third, Jesus didn’t
say adultery was the only reason for divorce. Otherwise, Paul would be contradicting
him later in 1 Corinthians 7. Paul talks about abandonment being a divorceable
offense, which is similar to Exodus 21:10-11. Lastly, Jesus was always kind and
gentle towards the outcasts; especially women who were in adultery. It wouldn’t
make any sense for Jesus to tell women to endure abuse and exploitation from
abusive men. See John 4:1-44, John 7:53-8:11, Mark 12:40.
***In conclusion, we can see that God permits divorce in abusive situations. Below
are Bible verses that further support God’s heart against abuse.***
Genesis 6:11-13 English Standard
Version 11 Now the earth was corrupt in God's sight, and the earth was filled
with violence. 12 And God saw the earth, and behold, it was corrupt, for all
flesh had corrupted their way on the earth. 13 And God said to Noah, “I have
determined to make an end of all flesh, for the earth is filled with violence
through them. Behold, I will destroy them with the earth
Psalm 11:5 English Standard Version
5 The Lord tests the righteous, but his soul hates the wicked and the one who
loves violence.
Ezekiel 7:3 English Standard
Version 3 Now the end is upon you, and I will send my anger upon you; I will
judge you according to your ways, and I will punish you for all your
abominations.
Ezekiel 7:11 English Standard
Version 11 Violence has grown up into a rod of wickedness. None of them shall
remain, nor their abundance, nor their wealth; neither shall there be
preeminence among them.
Proverbs 13:2 English Standard
Version 2 From the fruit of his mouth a man eats what is good, but the desire
of the treacherous is for violence.
Proverbs 15:14 English Standard
Version 14 The heart of him who has understanding seeks knowledge, but the
mouths of fools feed on folly.
Proverbs 18:21 English Standard
Version 21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it
will eat its fruits.
Psalm 73:6 English Standard Version
6 Therefore pride is their necklace; violence covers them as a garment.
Psalm 109:18 English Standard
Version 18 He clothed himself with cursing as his coat; may it soak into his
body like water, like oil into his bones!
Jeremiah 2:34 English Standard
Version 34 Also on your skirts is found the lifeblood of the guiltless poor;
you did not find them breaking in. Yet in spite of all these things
2 Samuel 22:3 English Standard
Version 3 my God, my rock, in whom I
take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold and my
refuge, my savior; you save me from violence.
Psalm 18:17 English Standard
Version 17 He rescued me from my strong enemy and from those who hated me, for
they were too mighty for me
Psalm 72:12-14 English Standard
Version 12 For he delivers the needy when he calls, the poor and him who has no
helper. 13 He has pity on the weak and the needy, and saves the lives of the
needy. 14 From oppression and violence he redeems their life, and precious is
their blood in his sight.
Psalm 102:19-20 English Standard
Version 19 ….he looked down from his holy height; from heaven the Lord looked
at the earth, 20 to hear the groans of the prisoners, to set free those who
were doomed to die
Psalm 146:7 English Standard
Version …..7 who executes justice for the oppressed, who gives food to the
hungry. The Lord sets the prisoners free;
Isaiah 58:6 English Standard
Version 6 “Is not this the fast that I choose: to loose the bonds of
wickedness, to undo the straps of the yoke, to let the oppressed go free, and
to break every yoke?
Proverbs 24:11 English Standard
Version 11 Rescue those who are being taken away to death; hold back those who
are stumbling to the slaughter.
Jeremiah 3:8 English Standard
Version 8 She saw that for all the adulteries of that faithless one, Israel, I
had sent her away with a decree of divorce. Yet her treacherous sister Judah
did not fear, but she too went and played the whore.
Jeremiah 3:12-13 English Standard
Version 12 Go, and proclaim these words toward the north, and say, “‘Return,
faithless Israel, declares the Lord. I will not look on you in anger, for I am
merciful, declares the Lord; I will not be angry forever. 13 Only acknowledge
your guilt, that you rebelled against the Lord your God and scattered your
favors among foreigners under every green tree, and that you have not obeyed my
voice, declares the Lord.
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